Paradise Lost
by Writer-by-day
Summary: Oz leaves Sunnydale after leaving Willow for the first time, and laments about how strange it feels. Driving through forest that seems like hallowed ground, he comes to a resolution *SONG FIC* *ONESHOT*


_**Just a little one-shot to get me back in the mood of writing. It worked for those of you who are wondering. Expect updates for those of you who watch my HP stories. This one came pretty easy. I'm not a big fan of pop, but this song is just so beautiful lyric-wise that I needed to do something with it. I know these one shots have been waaaay over done, but if it helps at all this is my first one… Probably not. ANYWAYS HERE IT IS:**_

_**DISCLAIMER: I don't own either the song which is by James Blunt, called 'Goodbye My Lover' or anything at all BTVS involved. I just use the characters for my twisted writings… The title **__**Paradise Lost**__** is and always will be, owned by the honourable John Milton who wrote the Epic in 1667. **_

**Paradise Lost. **

Oz drove; he drove with tears falling down his cheeks. He drove ignoring the traffic lights and stop signs. He drove, his foot numb, but his heart even more so. His mind wasn't however, and this was the one time he wished he could push back the feelings easily. The speakers blared in his van, the song by some pop artist he hadn't bothered to pay attention to, until now. This was her C.D. it was like she speaking with him through the grave. Like he had been dead forever, and now she was sending signals.

The tears only made his sinuses hurt as he tried to push them back. Tried to see anything through the veil they had created over his pupils. She was his best friend, his lover and his mate. He felt like he was betraying her by leaving her, just when things had seemed to be getting good. _Well… For her anyways_

**Did I disappoint you or let you down?  
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?  
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,  
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.  
So I took what's mine by eternal right.  
Took your soul out into the night.  
It may be over but it won't stop there,  
I am here for you if you'd only care.  
You touched my heart you touched my soul.  
You changed my life and all my goals.  
And love is blind and that I knew when,  
My heart was blinded by you.  
I've kissed your lips and held your head.  
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.  
I know you well, I know your smell.  
I've been addicted to you.  
**

It had kept getting worse and worse for him. Not being in control of his wolf was slowly eating away at him. His whole life had been about control, control over his music, his emotions. The way he lived life was calculated and controlled so that he could learn about the world surrounding him from all angles. Now there was just one left, and it was populated by him and a blood thirsty animal. He couldn't stand being around people, especially when that blood thirsty animal was eyeing his best friends more then an empty stomach.

He didn't have the balls to tell Willow, how could he? He loved her so much, and she returned the sentiment whole heartedly. He'd never had a relationship like that before. They had been so devoted to each other he hadn't even noticed time passing until each full moon thrust them apart once again.

**  
Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me.  
**

Trees were blurring past his windows now, and still his foot got heavier. The horizon was now completely dark, and mountains flew over his van like giants. He swallowed, tasting the remains of their kiss, her tears and emotion, and the bitter tang of the leftover blood. It was at this point that he realized that the tears had stopped.

It had taken murder for him to realize his wolf was out of control, and that, was where his remorse stopped. He wasn't going to sit around and act like everything is ok for her benefit. It wasn't ok. He could kill someone, in fact, he had killed someone.

**  
I am a dreamer but when I wake,  
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.  
And as you move on, remember me,  
Remember us and all we used to be  
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.  
I've watched you sleeping for a while.  
I'd be the father of your child.  
I'd spend a lifetime with you.  
I know your fears and you know mine.  
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,  
And I love you, I swear that's true.  
I cannot live without you.**

He closed his eyes and let out a long breath. Realization had been eating away at his insides slowly, for almost 2 days now. Remorse bit into his thoughts, regret even reared its ugly head. He couldn't live like this. He couldn't survive putting his trust in iron bars anymore; those bars that seemed so inconsequential, so tiny compared to the monster inside of him.

The sun wouldn't be up for hours and the inside of his van was black except for the glow of the radio and the dash. He was pushing 80 in that little van of his. The feeling of the engine under the interior was the only thing keeping his calm in check. He was eating up highway quicker then he could keep track of, and the sensation of just moving was somewhat soothing. Outside the highway had begun to twist and turn, avoiding mountains and lakes.

Moonlight lightly highlighted the tops of the trees and the moisture on the highway. It was like being in another world, another dream, where the emotions that he had been suppressing for so long suddenly decided now was a perfect time to come out, in this strange alien landscape.****

Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me.  


His cold hands gripped the steering wheel even harder. He watched with mild interest as they turned white, and then looked back up to the road. The rational part of his mind was telling him to slow the fuck down before he killed someone. His foot didn't even move. It didn't seem worth it. Every second that went by was pulling him further and further away from her and into this moonlit highway.

It seemed like it would never end. He would never lose the regret that had piled up on top of his heart. He considered going back. Considered how warm her soft milky hands would be, and how his fingers would lightly trace her collar bone, and it would be like going home. He could see her peach tasting lips part, ready to receive his. Feel her perfect breasts push against his bare chest. A shiver went down his spine and he considered turning the music off.

He shook his head, no, it was better this way. The further he was from her, there would be more space to cover to go back. His body ached. His mind craved, he was like a Rosenburg junkie. In that second he forced his foot to the floor of the old van, and took a long winding corner faster then he ever thought he could go. The tires protested under him, but the van pulled through in the end, and he felt that familiar lump in his throat rise ever so much. God he wanted her.

**  
And I still hold your hand in mine.  
In mine when I'm asleep.  
And I will bear my soul in time,****  
****When I'm kneeling at your feet.  
Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me.  
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.  
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.**

It didn't even feel like he was moving now, it was like the world was slipping past without him. His suppressed tears never fell. His eyes darted across the road about a hundred feet. A rabbit was crossing the road. His stomach gave an unconscious growl as he followed it with instinctively trained eyes. The piano in the song punched through his trance and he shook his head. He needed her. He needed her hand, her face, and her smile. God he needed her smile.

This wasn't the way to be living though; this was no way to live, drooling over a bunny rabbit. Soon the pull would get harder and one day it might be her he was thinking about making dinner. A low moan escaped his usually silent lips. _No… Not her._

There could still be hope yet, obviously there were some thing's that remained sacred, places where both pieces of his torn and ultimately malicious soul met. Maybe he was making a mistake coming all the way out here, on a quiet lonely highway, in the middle of nowhere. He watched the moon, constant behind moving trees, as his van blurred past on it's way to the unknown, and felt the first bit of peace that he had since he had left her. Maybe new beginnings were supposed to feel like sorrow mixed with anarchy.

_**Comments, questions and watches appreciated and answered. Thanks for reading. **_


End file.
